For much of my life I was the Lion in the Wizard of Oz. I put on the face of having no fear, but the reality is that I was afraid. I wasn't afraid of typical things, like staying by myself or walking in parking lots at night. I was afraid to show others who I was. I didn't like the me inside of me and I certainly did not believe that others would like that person. Fear used to be a driving force in my life until God said enough. Just like the good Dad that he is, he used started moving me into circumstances where I would choose to trust myself or trust Him.
This journey began in the late summer of 1999. God showed me that it was time to deal with some things that I kept tucked away thinking they really didn't impact my life or how I lived. I was wrong. As I was confronted with these things in my life, I was like a batter whose turn came in the order but when I stepped up to the plate, I had no intention of swinging my bat. I feared that if I actually hit the balls that the Lord was tossing at me that I wouldn't make it even to first base. I feared failure. The irony is that failure was exactly what I chose. My paralysis in life kept me from achieving anything and kept my self-esteem at the bottom of a pit. There in the pit I stayed with myself and my insecurities until all the orchestrations of God got me to the place where he could give me the courage to trust Him and to allow Him to love me.
Beth Moore made a great point during one of our lessons on Esther. She said that we can only truly trust God when we are absolutely convinced of His love for us. I had no courage for so long because I didn't believe God loved me. When I finally came to a place where I understood that I had nothing to do with God's love, was when I was ready to receive it---to believe it.
Nine years have past since I chose to stand in the truth that "Jesus loves me this I know." How grateful I am that my Father didn't allow me to stay in game. He took me out of the game, put me through some workouts for the purpose of getting me back in the line up. Now, assured in His love, I can walk up to bat at clean-up.
I still hear the heckling and the chatter of the enemy, but I'm not afraid. My God has given me everything pertaining to life. I stand in Christ alone. Batter-up.